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Let’s face it, folks: elections matter. With Trump back in the White House, all of this electric vehicle stuff ain’t goin’ nowhere anymore. As we all know, EVs kind of suck, and they really aren’t better for the environment. I mean, they’re powered by coal, so they must be terrible. All cept for the ones made by Elon, of course. We LOVE Elon Musk around here again now that he’s on the winning team (and we want to be on the winning team, too). Trump, please don’t kill us.
But, instead of getting into Cybertrucks and what not, we’re going to re-embrace our love of coal-powered cars by rolling us some coal! No, not really. We just don’t want to end up in a gulag in El Salvador.
To start, we’re all selling our EVs, e-bikes, solar panels, and all of that pusillanimous nonsense, taking the money and buying some real American trucks. No, we’re not buying a Ford Maverick hybrid. We’re all getting some new diesel trucks! And, because Elon is helping gut the EPA, we’re deleting all of that emissions piss tank nonsense and upping the fuel pressure. Plus, why not open up the blowoff valve and let it make that sweet whistlin’ sound to go with clouds of particulates? Can we fake this with speakers or something?
From now on, every Wednesday, we’re going to make some sweet videos of tractor pulls, rolling coal on unsuspecting cyclists, and (all sep for Teslas, of course) harassing some EV-driving ninnies. Because we’re going to be Elon’s friend again, nobody’s going to stop us, either. Plus, on the side, we’re going to have some nice hunting and political content that will put hair on your chest (all sep for the girls, of course, cuz we don’t like that transgenic mice stuff).
Now, I know some of our readers will be mad, but we have to go with the science on this. Just ask any random member of Trump’s administration (they must all be experts to get such prestigious jobs, right?) about how environmentally friendly diesels are compared to EVs. They’ll tell you that EVs are the dirtiest vehicles on the road, powered by batteries made by slave kids in Japan or something. And they’re the government that won in a landslide, so they must be right.
So, be sure to tune in to our new YouTube channel, starting with this sweet video about Mazda RX7s going Brap Brap! Rickrolling will never go out of style!
Final Thoughts
Just in case today’s date and the insanity of the content above wasn’t enough, let’s be clear: this is indeed an April Fools’ Day article. No, we’re not going to abandon EVs for diesels, become a right-wing YouTube channel, or start believing in pseudoscience. Plus, there’s a bunch of hidden messages in the article for “the libz” if you copy and paste it just right.
But, even on days other than April 1st, it’s never a good idea to be overly trusting of things you read online.
Featured image: some AI-generated slop one of my coworkers made for another article.
Pro tip from the editor: if you’re confused about some of the weird spacing above, highlight/select those lines.
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